


The World Is Wide Enough (Suicidal Hamilton Fanfiction)

by SimpleUser



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: #Sad, #Selfharm, #abuse, #alchohol, #angst, #fanfiction, #fluff, #hamilton, #modernhamilton, #musical, #suicide, #thriller
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-01 23:17:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13305450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimpleUser/pseuds/SimpleUser
Summary: Alexander finally had enough with his crappy life. It seems like wherever he goes, disaster, pain, and death follows him. he thought he'd have friends to support him in this battle with himself, but he was wrong. So what's the point anymore? He's just a waste of space. The world obviously isn't wide enough for Hamilton.(Modern AU)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you like the story,please don't forget to comment and leave Kudos! ^.^ thank you very much!

      Alexander made up his mind. Tonight, he'd finally leave this miserable place, once and for all. He decided to treat himself. He'd run to the store, pick up some pills, then go to a bakery and buy his favorite sweets. When he got home, he'd play music and celebrate while he took all his pills.

He bought chocolate, and wine, to go with his pills. When he got home, he turned on his t.v and blasted music, not caring what his neighbors would say. He piled the pills into neat little piles, swallowing them two at a time, with his wine to help. Occasionally he'd eat a chocolate in between the swallowing of pills, until he found himself getting dizzy. He heard his phone ring loudly beside him, startling him from his dazing state. Drunk and half asleep, he answered the phone. 

"Alexander" the voice spoke. It was Burr. _Shit_. Burr may not be his best friend, but he can tell in an instant when Alexander is lying about something. If he hangs up now, it'll be suspicious. He decided to make this call as quick as possible. 

"Aaron Burr" he responded. "I'm busy right now. Is it urgent?" He asked, trying to steady his voice. 

"No. I was calling to ask why I saw you in the pharmacy this afternoon, but judging by the sound of your voice, I'd assume you're extremely sick" he said. 

"Very kind of you, sir" Alexander said, grabbing two more pills and swallowing them. 

"Don't forget to inform Washington if you choose to take the day off tomorrow" Burr advised. 

"Burr, you must take me for a fool if you think-" Alexander began drunkenly, before coughing violently. He gasped for air as he felt his head spin, and for a moment he was fine, but as soon as he stood up, he fell over, dropping his wine bottle and scattering glass everywhere. He groaned as some glass cut his bare arms, however he knew it would all be over soon. 

"Alexander, what happened?" Burr asked, slightly concerned. Alexander chuckled slightly before deciding to end the call. Soon enough, everything was dark. 

______ 

          Alexander couldn't see anything. He wondered if he'd be able to see his new life soon. However, his fantasy was cut short when he began to regain feeling in his body. He stirred, soon opening his eyes. His head hurt like hell, and he wasn't able to process anything until he took a sharp breath. 

_I'm alive...!_

"No...this isn't..." Alexander said breathlessly, his eyes widening. He could feel his heart beating fast and his stomach turning. Suddenly a few doctors and nurses rushed into the room, restraining him as they injected some sort of liquid into him, making him unable to thrash and fight. Instead, he let hot tears pour from his eyes, as the realization hit him that he failed at his own suicide. First, he's a failure in life, now a failure at his own death. 

"Goddamnitt Alexander, look at yourself! You're a grown man. Pull yourself together!" A voice growled. _Burr_. 

"Burr...why?" Was all Alexander could say. His voice was pathetic. Everything about him was pathetic. He shouldn't be here to argue with Burr, he should be dead. 

"You _idiot_! You swallowed practically an entire bottle of pills! Pills you don't even need! What the hell were you thinking Alexander!? You could've died!" Burr shouted, his body slightly shaking as if he already knew the answer. 

"Burr...why? Why am I here? What happened?" Alexander asked through his tears. 

"I heard you fall, and I heard glass shattering, so I went over to your house. You left the door wide open, and when I walked inside, I found you on the floor of your living room" he explained. "I called an ambulance, and they told me that you needed to get your stomach pumped because you swallowed so many pills Alexander! You swallowed them, and drank a whole bottle of wine in one night and you almost died!" He exclaimed, becoming angry again. "And of course you wouldn't be able to afford the treatment yourself, and neither could I, so I called Eliza and she covered the entire hospital bill to make sure you'd be alright. Are you happy Alexander? Your idiocy started chaos all over again! Why!? Why would you think doing this to yourself was a good idea!?" Burr shouted, the tears finally spilling out. 

"Get out Burr" Alexander whispered. 

"No! I'm not leaving you here to go off and do something reckless again" he growled. 

"Burr! I didn't ask for your help, I didn't ask to be in this hospital, and I'm not asking for you to leave; I'm demanding it!" Alexander shouted. Burr glared down at Alexander, neither of them speaking until Burr looked down, a pathetic smile on his face. He was still crying. "Alexander, the doctors told me that you had scars. Some of them were new. Why?" He asked quietly, his voice cracking. "You have so many people who are more than willing to help you with whatever it is you're going through Alexander, and yet this is what you chose?" He scoffed. 

"You say that Burr, yet you don't understand a fraction of what I'm going through, and neither does anyone else" Alexander said. 

"We don't understand because _you_ don't care enough to tell us! If you really cared about the people around you, you'd let us help you. You'd tell us what's wrong so that we can make things better" Burr exclaimed. 

"None of you can make anything better for me! Nothing can ever change the fact that I'm a worthless piece of _shit_ , and that everywhere I turn, someone I love disappears" Alexander shouted back. There was a moment of silence before Burr slouched. He chuckled a bit before looking down again. 

"You have no idea what true suffering is Alexander. You think you have it bad, with people moving away, and occasional people you care about dying? Alexander, I grew up without a family! They all died! And all my life, no one has ever cared about me! You may be an orphan, and sure, you've suffered loss, but you have things I never had Alexander, and you're taking it all for granted" Burr said. 

"Don't joke Burr. No one cares about me. Everyone would be better off with me gone, myself included. So unless you'd like an extra medical payment for yourself, I suggest you shut your mouth, and leave me alone, good sir" Alexander seethed. He was beyond pissed by this point, and he was not in the mood to argue any longer. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos! ^.^

Alexander was hospitalized for about a week, before being released. Washington made it mandatory that Hamilton sees a therapist at least once a week, any objection would have him fired. Hamilton was beyond pissed. Pissed at Burr for ruining everything, pissed at himself for living, and pissed at the world for making him feel this way.

The worst part about it, was that now he was alone and defenseless. He couldn't go to work until he'd taken at least three weeks to rest up and "feel better", and being home with no occupation was the worst in Alexander's eyes. It was utterly boring, and dreadfully quiet. 

Hamilton never liked the quiet before. 

It left him alone with himself. It gave him no choice but to listen to the voices in his head, screaming and shouting at him, until he couldn't bear it. He could never bear it for very long, and always had to do something to make it go away. 

He'd cut until he was too dizzy to think, too dizzy to hear the voices, and too dizzy to care. He'd drink until he was too drunk to feel sad, feel angry, or feel anything. He'd sleep until he couldn't sleep anymore. He'd starve until he passed out, then binge until be purged, just to feel something. Pain, hunger, suffering, _anything_. Anything other than this numbness that the voices spoke through. It was a painful situation at first, but now it's become a casualty for Hamilton. He hasn't seen a single day in almost a year, where he hasn't don't something to hurt himself.

Luckily, he was knocked from his thoughts not too long after he sat down. Unluckily...it was from a knock at the door. Alexander sighed and opened the door, not caring who it was, until he looked up. 

"Who are you?" He asked, confused. There was a child that looked almost exactly like his former best friend, John Laurens. The boy was dirty, obviously having not showered for a long period of time. 

"Sir, I'm sorry to bother you at home, but I'm selling candles, and I desperately need to finish selling them today. Please buy one sir, they're only $0.50 each" he asked, practically begging. 

"What's the cause?" He asked, curious as to why this child needed to sell candles so badly. 

"Well I..." the kid looked up. He blinked silently for just a moment before speaking again. "My school is run down, it's really bad. And we're all collecting money to help by selling candles, but if we don't donate the money by today, the school will shut down, and I won't be able to see my friends anymore" he explained. Hamilton nodded thoughtfully before smiling kindly. 

"I'll buy four, please" he said, pulling some money from his pocket to pay. 

"W-whoa! Really!? Thank you sir!" He exclaimed, handing Hamilton the candles and pocketing the money. 

"No problem. Get home safe kid" he said. The boy nodded and took off, looking much happier than when he arrived. Strange how just two dollars can make a kid so happy. 

Alexander closed the door and sighed. 

He had four candles, and nothing to do with them. He didn't even have a lighter to light them. Maybe if he lit them with the flame from his oven, he could burn himself as a substitute for cutting. He had literally _no razors_. Burr took them all to his house while Alexander was in the hospital. It pissed him off to no end the more he thought about his failure. He grit his teeth and decided to go through with his idea. 

The sound of the stove was never so threatening to Hamilton, until now. The flame came out with a loud _whoosh_. He left the other three candles on his table, only ligniting one for himself. He stared at the flame for a while, before heading to his bathroom. He sat in his usual corner that he'd seat himself when he was going to cut. It felt nostalgic, but it also felt mocking. To think, all of this pain could have been avoided, if only Burr hadn't interfered! 

"AAAH!" Hamilton began to scream as the flame hit his soft skin. He bit his lip to mute himself, to avoid being heard by any neighbors or nearby people. He held his arms above the flame until his arms were raw and bleeding. He felt his flesh burn and crack open, melting from the hot touch of the candle light. He eventually stopped, when the underneath of his arms were raw and bleeding from his wrists, to his elbows. He threw the candle into the bathtub, cracking it in half with a loud _snap_. Alexander took some deep breaths to calm himself, but ended up sobbing loudly, unable to compose himself. It hurt like hell, and he just wanted it all to go away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos! ^.^

Soon, three weeks passed and Hamilton was allowed to use metal silverware. Of course, now that his three weeks were over, Hamilton would be heading to work first thing tomorrow. He was half excited about his return, and half nervous. What if someone saw his burns? The skin has healed by now, and it was lightening up, but if he touched his arm too hard, or scratched it at all, he'd still feel pain. And his arm was still lightly red, even after all this time.

If he wore bandages, it'll be obvious that he was hurt, but if he let anyone see, he'd be in a tight spot. The only way to avoid unwanted situations, was to hide his wounds. 

He prepared some outfits for the week, each of them having a thin shirt with long sleeves, and a jacket to wear on top. Of course, it'd be chilly out now in mid-spring, but in case the jacket was too hot, he'd be able to take it off and not worry about his arms showing. 

He looked over at the time, and decided to take a quick walk while it's still bright out. Walking out at night was extremely distasteful, since Hamilton never liked the quiet. He was always at his best when he was in a lively area. He quickly grabbed a jacket, and his wallet, and headed out, deciding to walk to the store and grab a snack. 

Everything was the same as always. The stupid neighbors were yelling at eachother again, the stray dogs barked randomly, the children played and laughed. It was nice. However, something unusual caught his attention. 

Unlike the other children, dogs, and neighbors, there was obviously a stir happening in a particular area. Three kids seemed to be attacking something, while a woman was pushing an angry dog away. Hamilton had always been told that his nose will soon be the death of him if he keeps it in everyone's business, but he never cared what anyone told him. So with strong curiosity, he made his way to the chaotic scene. 

"Excuse me, what on Earth is happening here?" He asked the woman, holding the dog in his arms, away from her. 

"Please sir, call the cops for me! I've been mugged, and sexually harassed by that boy over there!" She said, her voice pathetic. 

"Excuse me?" He spoke, confused. Alexander took a moment to realize what had just happened, before apologizing. "Pardon me miss, I'm just a bit confused. What exactly happened?" He asked. 

"Well, I was in a rush to work, and when I was passing by, I saw this boy being bullied. I helped him, and asked him if he was ok. He said yes and hugged me, which I didn't mind, but then he reached and touched my butt! He felt me, before snatching my wallet from my pocket! I slapped him, and the kid's bullies came back to help me, but none of them had phones, and mine has no connection, so I couldn't call anyone" she explained. Hamilton nodded in understanding, before putting the dog down and turning to the kids. 

Alexander seperated the kids, taking the bullied kid by his hand. He looked at him, but couldn't get a good look at his face, since he was looking down. 

"You kids go home, I'll handle this from here" he said. 

"No way! That brat's been stealing from everyone for months! He deserves to get beat" One of the kids said, with the others nodding in agreement. Alexander gave them all a stern look, shutting them up. 

"I'm sure the boy deserves a fine punishment for his actions, but that doesn't excuse any of your immaturity, and your harrassment. If he hasn't wronged you directly, then you've all assisted in assult. So, if you don't want me to call the police here right now, I suggest you leave this to the adult, thank you very much" he said, glaring at the bullies until they gave in and left. 

"Sir! Do you not understand what's happening here?" The lady asked. 

"I'm sure I do, but for a grown woman to depend on young children to fix her problems, that were obviously not at all serious to begin with, is absurdity that I will not defend" he said, walking away, and taking the boy with him. 

Hamilton walked with the boy into the nearest corner store, where he bought random snacks before leaving. They went to a nearby park and sat on a bench. This whole time, the kid had looked down, and Hamilton hadn't gotten to see his face. 

"Hey, it's ok. I'm not gonna call the cops on you, kid" he chuckled. No response. 

"How about you tell me what on earth was going on? I get the gist of the situation, but tell me the whole story from your point of view. I want to know what you did, and why, and I want the truth" he said, his voice soft but fairly stern. There was a moment of silence, and Alexander was growing impatient, but before he could say anything, the boy spoke up. 

"I was hungry" he said. "I was hungry, and I didn't have any money. I was going to buy some food from the store, but the kids beat me up and took it from me. But I was just so _hungry_ , I had to get money somehow! And then this lady walked by, and she was counting her money, and she had a whole lot. And when she saw me all beat up, she rushed over and yelled at the kids. We were alone, and I hugged her, and I tried to look for her wallet. I checked her back pocket, it wasn't there, then I checked her coat pocket, and I found it, but then she noticed me touching her, and she slapped me. I guess I deserved it, but then she even called the bullies back, and they started beating me up again. There was this dog that used to follow me around sometimes, and I guess he saw me too, because I heard him barking at the lady" he explained. This kid was obviously poor, and it made Alexander sad because he knew what it was like. 

"Where are your parents?" He asked. 

"They threw me out a few months ago. They took me to a nearby city, and told me to stay put. They were gone for three days, and I didn't eat anything while I waited for them" he said, his voice beginning to weaken, as if he would start crying soon. 

"They threw you out!? That's terrible! You couldn't have done anything to deserve that!" Alexander exclaimed, not thinking before he spoke. The boy cried. Of course he did, Hamilton had a talent for making things worse all the time. 

"I'm sorry, please don't tell anyone what I did! If I get caught, I'll go to jail and I don't want to go to jail!" He cried. Alexander had never felt so guilty, awkward, and remorseful in his life. He had no idea to say to this kid. 

"Tell you what kid, if you promise not to do anything like that again, I promise not to rat you out" he said. 

"But it's the only way I can survive" 

"Not if you have some help" Alexander said, smiling kindly at the boy. 

"What do you mean?" He asked. 

"How would you like to stay with me? It beats staying on the streets, and I'm sure I'd be fit enough to take care of a kid" Hamilton said proudly. The boy chuckled nervously, not knowing just what to say. 

"There's nothing to worry about. Well, of course, you won't see me at home all the time since I work a lot, but you'll have a roof over your head, food to eat, cloths to wear, and the finest education you could ask for!" He continued, still as proud as ever. 

"Why would you want to help me sir? I mean no disrespect, but, it's just so... _unexpected_ " he said. 

"I was like you once. I know what it's like to be alone all the time, to have to fend for yourself...and it's hard. And even now, after all the hard work I've done, my life isn't the best. There's a million things I haven't done, and I can't promise anyone anymore that I'll get to see any of it I have so much pain, and I don't want to see anyone else end up like me. I know I can help you, and that's what I want to do. It'll be the only thing I'm good for" he explained. The boy was speechless. 

What could be said now?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos! ^.^

Everything happened so fast. Alexander was already setting up a bedroom for the kid. However, soon after he started cleaning, he realized an important fact.

"Hey kid, what's your name?" He asked. 

"My name?" He repeated, pointing to himself instinctively. "Phillip" he said. "What's yours?". 

"Alexander Hamilton. My name is Alexander Hamilton" he said "How old are you?" He asked. 

"I'm nine years old!" He exclaimed proudly. "I turned nine two days ago!" He smiled. 

"That's nice" Alexander said. "So, what sort of things do you like?" He asked, continuing his cleaning. 

"Not much, but I like to write poems!" He said, his eyes flashing. 

"Poems? That's nice. I used to write poetry too. Now I just write a bunch of essays" he said. 

"That's boring" 

"That's my job" 

"Oh" 

The two shared a short laugh. There was an awkward silence before Phillip decided to speak. 

"I know it's cold _outside_ , but it's perfectly warm inside! Aren't you hot with that shirt on?" He asked. 

"Of course not" Alexander replied defensively. "Anyway, if poetry is what you like, I have an old stash of books you can read. And if you want to write anything, I have some paper in a drawer you can use, just make sure that whatever papers you use are completely blank" he said. 

"Thank you" Phillip said, running off and leaving Alexander alone. 

Hours passed before he was finished preparing the room. It was originally an old storage room, that was pretty much empty. He cleaned it up, put a couch inside, and tightened the safety bars on the windows. It was a simple room, but it'll have to do. When he saw the time, he gasped, realizing that he needed to rest for work. Alexander found Phillip in his bedroom, reading the books he told him about. He couldn't let a nine year old stay up too late, so he told Phillip to go to bed, and soon did the same. Phillip slept on the couch in his new room, and loved it. Alexander didn't have another bed, so he was glad to have such a humble kid with him. 

"But what'll happen to him when he finds me dead?" He asked himself. 

Of course, he lied awake with his thoughts. And of course, he turned to his pain to make it all go away. He was smart enough to pick up a box cutter from the store earlier, along with his snacks, so he didn't have to burn himself anymore. 

He grabbed the knife and went to the bathroom with it, striping down until he was in his underwear. He didn't want to cut his wrists and risk not being able to write properly tomorrow. So instead, he attacked his thighs. He sliced smooth horizontal lines on his upper thighs until his vision was blurry. It hurt, but it made his mind shut up.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos! ^.^

It all happened so fast. He bled and bled until he became tired. He didn't have the strength to get up, so he stayed where he was, until everything became dark.

______ 

He woke up feeling chilly. He opened his eyes and was greeted by a blinding light. Alexander winced at the light, trying to sit up but finding himself unable to. Great. Another _fucking_ hospital. Alexander's rage grew, but before he could say anything, the door swung open. 

"Mister Hamilton!" A voice exclaimed. Phillip rushed to Alexander's side, hugging his hand tightly with tears in his eyes. "What happened to you!? I-I saw blood!" He cried. Alexander had no words. What a shitty person he was. He beat himself up because he didn't believe he'd be able to protect this child, but in the midst of his pain, he forgot all about Phillip. His mind was warped around nothingness. 

"Alexander!" Another voice growled. As if things couldn't get any worse. What is _he_ doing here!? 

"Aaron Burr, sir" Alexander greeted, not bothering to look at the man. He could tell that Burr was fuming right now, and he didn't have it in him to argue again. He just wanted to get this over with. He was tired of embarrassing himself like this. 

There were several other footsteps following, which meant that Alexander had quite a few visitors waiting for him. 

"I hate this so much" Alexander grumbled. There was a moment of silence before a loud _slap_ sounded. Everyone was shocked, even Alexander didn't know how to react. 

"Alexander, how can you do this to me _again_!?" Angelica seethed, staring down at Alexander with tears in her eyes. "You're hurting all of us! You're hurting all of us, and you don't even care! Alexander, how do you think I felt when I heard you tried to kill yourself!? How do you think _Eliza_ felt!? Alexander, how can you lay there and complain, when all of us came a long way just to make sure you're ok!? It's not ok Alexander! It's not ok!" She shouted, soon breaking into pathetic sobs. Phillip got up and did his best to comfort the crying woman, his eyes not leaving Alexander's body. 

"I'm sorry" Alexander said after a long silence. "I'm sorry. I know it's hard to lose people around you, but you all would be better off without me anyway. Besides, there's nothing left for me in this miserable life anyway. It's not like I got murdered or anything, this is what I wanted. It's what I asked for. So you don't have to worry" he said, his voice emotionless. 

"B-but..." Phillip started, tearing up. He let a few sobs escape him before forming words to say. "But sir! Y-you promised that you'd take care of me! Please sir, I've already lost my birth parents, if I lose you too, I won't be able to go back to the streets again...it'll be too much! Please sir, please don't leave me" Phillip cried, unable to comfort Angelica as he broke into heavy sobs.

______ 

Alexander made Burr promise not to tell Washington about the incident. He couldn't be stuck home again, especially not with this child. Phillip looked up to him, trusted him, and yet he broke his heart. He can't bear to look at that child without wanting to fall to the floor and apologize. Phillip must've hated him for what he did. Not that he didn't deserve it, but it still hurt. 

The next morning, Hamilton woke up extremely early so that he'd have time to cook for Phillip before leaving. He quickly got ready for work, then headed to the kitchen. He made a large breakfast of fried eggs, bacon, pancakes, corn beef hash, and baked potatoes. After eating his share, Alexander left for work. 

______ 

Phillip cried when he woke up to see a cooked meal for him. He was happy to be living in this house with Alexander, and he didn't want to lose this. Even if he hasn't been here very long, Phillip already likes being here. It's safe, it's warm, and he has everything he wants and needs here. He didn't want to lose all of it. 

______ 

Alexander did his best to behave professionally despite his overwhelming annoyance and exhaustion. Burr constantly checked in on Alexander, as if he were a child. Thomas would back up his smart remarks with immature comets like, "don't take it too hard" or, "don't kill yourself over it". Washington made sure Hamilton wasn't alone for too long with sharp objects, and would scold him if he got angry about his over protection. Charles Lee would insult Hamilton behind his back when he thought he wasn't listening, or very quietly in person, about Hamilton's "idiocy", "weakness", and "dramatic behavior". It was annoying and dragged on all day, until finally, work was over for the day. There was one last thing that had to be done, however. 

"Mr Burr, sir. Might I ask a favor from you?" Alexander asked after stopping by Burr's office. 

"What exactly would that be, Alexander?" He asked, gathering his things to go home. 

"I need you to watch Phillip for me for a little while. I'm going to the store, and he's too young to be home alone for too long" He explained. 

"Who's Phillip?" Burr asked, raising a brow. 

"You saw him yesterday. He's that little boy that comforted Angelica" Alexander explained. "I know you've never properly met him, but please just do this for me" Alexander said. 

"Fine, but with the condition that you have to answer every one of my calls while you're gone. I don't want you doing anything reckless and stupid while you're alone, alright? I'm trusting you, do not mess this up for yourself, otherwise I won't be so careful about what Washington knows" Burr said sternly. Alexander sighed and agreed, not wanting to end up any further on Burr's bad side. 

Burr walked with Alexander, home. It didn't take long for Hamilton to find the small child he spoke of. He sat on Hamilton's bed, reading books that Hamilton used to read. 

"Mister Hamilton! You're back!" The boy exclaimed, relief shown on his smiling face as he hugged his caretaker's tall leg. Alexander ruffled the boy's curly hair, before kneeling in front of the child. 

"Phillip, did you eat breakfast this morning?" He asked. Phillip nodded. "That's good. As long as you're with me, I'll make sure you always have something to eat" he said with a smile. Phillip's smile slowly faded, as he lowered his head. Alexander was confused by the sudden change of mood. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked. Phillip began to cry. 

"It's just..." he began. "Yesterday you said something nice like that, and then you got hurt...are you going to get hurt again? Is that why you're being nice to me?" He asked, his tears flowing messily. Alexander felt a pang of guilt from the boy's words. He didn't have anything to say, all he could do was slowly wrap his arms around him and pull him into a tight hug. Alexander let some of his own tears fall as he stroked Phillip's hair, and held him tight. 

"Sssh, don't talk like that Phillip. Everything will be ok" he whispered. "I'm not going anywhere Phillip, I'm right here". He whispered comforting things as he hushed the boy, careful not to let his voice crack. By the time he let go of Phillip, his shirt was wet from the tears, but he didn't mind. 

"Phillip, are you ok now?" He asked. Phillip nodded, looking up at Hamilton. 

"Good. I have some important things I need to get from the store, but I won't be out for long so don't worry. I brought someone to watch you; Aaron Burr. You saw him yesterday at the hospital, but you didn't speak to eachother at all, so introduce yourself" he said. Burr politely smiled at the boy, and kneeled down like Alexander did so that he'd be eye level with him. 

"It's a pleasure to meet you, good sir. I'm Aaron Burr" he said, obviously trying not to laugh. Of course, Phillip let out a little giggle at the formal introduction, before dramatically bowing and introducing himself. 

"I'm Phillip! Pleasure to meet you!" He exclaimed with a smile. Burr chuckled a bit, unable to contain himself. That child was just adorable. 

"Burr, shall I leave you here now?" Alexander asked. 

"Of course. But like I said, don't forget my deal. If I call you, I expect you to answer" he said. 

"Yes, yes. I'll be on my way now" he said, heading out with a roll of his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos! ^.^

Alexander went to a nearby supermarket to buy some snacks, and stuff for Phillip. He walked around the food aisles, and picked up random boxes of candies. He knew he couldn't apologize with candy alone, but he was gonna get it anyway. Of course, his shopping would be much more enjoyable if Burr hadn't called him, literally every ten minutes. He didn't even say much thankfully enough though, he'd mostly ask where he was, what he was doing and if he was ok, then he'd give the phone to Phillip and they'd talk for a few minutes.

Alexander decided to pick up some things he actually needed too. Some history books, math workbooks, science textbooks, new notebooks, a large sketchbook, and some new pencils. The nearby schools with free education, didn't teach half the things Alexander knew, and the special schools were too expensive. Alexander would be a good teacher to Phillip, and no one was going to tell him otherwise. 

Before leaving, Alexander also picked up a few chocolate bars for himself. Sometimes, sugary foods can make a person happy. 

"Ok Burr, I'm home. You're free to go now. Take this, as thanks" Hamilton said, throwing a small chocolate bar at Burr. <\p>

"Alexander, what on earth did you buy? And why so much!?" Burr asked, his eyes widening at the heavy looking bags Alexander carried. 

"A few books, some pencils, but a large amount of what I bought was candy" he answered. 

"Candy?" Burr repeated, with a sigh. "Alexander, what in heavens name is the matter with you!? Are you an idiot?" He groaned. "Alexander, you have a nine year old in the same house as you, why on earth would you think it's a good idea to buy so much candy!? He's gonna get cavities before he sees his next birthday if you give him all of that!" Burr exclaimed. 

"Goddamnitt Burr, just go home! I'll put it away so nothing bad happens!" Alexander snapped. Burr sighed and left.

Alexander put away everything he bought, making sure to put it where Phillip wouldn't be able to reach it, before getting started on making dinner. 

He served the plates and placed them on the table before calling Phillip to the kitchen. 

"Phillip! Food is ready, come eat!" He called. Phillip came out from Alexander's room, and sat down at the table. 

"Thank you, Sir" he smiled, grabbing a fork. Alexander nodded and sat down as well. He didn't exactly enjoy being addressed so formally by Phillip, but there wasn't really much else he could call him, so he didn't pay much mind to it. 

"Mister Hamilton, what happened to you yesterday?" Phillip asked, looking down. Alexander froze. He didn't want to tell Phillip what he did to himself, but he couldn't lie either. 

"Phillip..." Alexander whispered, not knowing what to say. 

"Mister Hamilton, there were a lot of people there. I was scared...I thought you were going to die" he said, tearing up. 

"I'm sorry Phillip...I'm so sorry you had to see me like that" he said, hugging Phillip. "I'm sorry...Phillip, I can't tell you what happened, but I hope you can forgive me" he whispered. 

"I'm not mad at you" Phillip said, looking up. "I was just scared". 

"I know. I'm sorry" Alexander said. 

______ 

The next morning, Hamilton got ready, made breakfast, then left.

Work was terrible, like usual. But today, Alexander had no patientce. 

"Hamilton! What a pleasant surprise, seeing you here at work again! I thought by now you would've killed yourself, or something stupid like that" Charles chuckled, shaking Alexander's hand with an unfriendly smile. Thomas Jefferson ended up walking towards the two, obviously to make a smart remark as well. 

. "Well, if it isn't Alexander, the biggest drama queen I know!" Jefferson snickered, smirking at Hamilton. "Oh, right! Don't take that too personally and kill yourself over it, Alexander!" Jefferson laughed. Alexander growled, glaring up at the man. He just couldn't take it. 

"You know what Jefferson? Fuck you!" Hamilton yelled, punching Jefferson forcefully in the face. Instinctively, Jefferson's hand held his nose after the blow hit him, and when he removed it, Hamilton smirked when he saw blood leaking from the jerk's nose. Charles gasped and ran off while Hamilton and Jefferson began to fight. The two went at eachother, bruising one another and drawing blood, until they were caught and split up. Hamilton's eyes widened when he was snatched away from Thomas Jefferson. He knew he'd be punished, probably even fired, for violating the rules. But in that moment; Hamilton didn't care. Jefferson deserved what he got, and he was lucky Hamilton didn't have time to take it any further. However, Hamilton felt a small tug of fear in his chest, the closer he got to Washington's office. 

Both Jefferson and Alexander sat down in front of Washington's desk, glaring at each other but not daring to make eye contact with the man in front of them. 

"Hamilton, step outside. I'll have a word with you after I'm done with Jefferson" Washington said sternly. Hamilton nodded and left. He leaned against the wall and sighed. Jefferson always hated Hamilton, that was obvious. But it still wasn't fair that they taunted him for wanting to die. None of this was fair. 

A few minutes passed. 10 minutes...20...soon nearly half an hour passed before Hamilton was called into Washington's office. Jefferson left, his head down as he shut the door behind him. Hamilton sat down, his face blank. He didn't really care about his job anymore. He didn't even care about his life. The only reason Hamilton chose to be more careful with himself, was so that he could take care of Phillip. But Phillip would be ok without him. Eliza could adopt him, or Angelica, or Lafayette, or Washington, or pretty much anyone Alexander was once close to. Phillip would be fine. Everyone would be fine without him. 

"Alexander" Washington snapped him out of his thoughts. "Are you alright? You aren't acting like yourself" he asked. 

"Sir, I'm sorry for everything" Alexander whispered. 

"Alexander, I'm concerned about you" Washington said. "You're letting yourself go. All you ever do now is work. You don't even take your breaks. I haven't seen you eat much either, and you've become so pale now. Are you even taking your medicine every day like you're supposed to?" He asked. His voice was sad, and his face was dissapointed. Alexander wanted to leave. He just wanted to curl up on his bed, and cry until he fell asleep. 

"Sir, I'm fine" Alexander lied. He'd always been a good liar. 

"Son, when you were in the hospital, I cried. I've seen countless horrors in the past, and I've experienced lots of pain, but son nothing can compare to the way I felt when I heard the news that you almost killed yourself. You're my right hand man, the closest thing I have to a son. Alexander, I care about you, so many people care about you. You don't need to hurt yourself, you deserve to be happy" Washington said. The best thing to do would be to apologize, and hurry home. But Alexander is an idiot. 

"I deserve to be happy? What a joke! I deserve to die! I deserve to rot, like the piece of shit that I am!" Alexander shouted. "I'm doing the best I can to cope with everything Sir, but nothing goes in my favor! I hate my life, I hate being alive! Yet somehow, I failed at my own death! It's as if even the Gods don't want me! And every day I come to work, and I have to put up with being mocked for my suffering! And the only reason I don't end it all, is because I promised someone a better life, but you know what!? They can make it without me! Good day, sir!" Alexander snapped, sprinting out of the office. Alexander rushed to his own office and pulled his prescribed pills from his bag. He tried to open the bottle, but he was shaky from his rage, and couldn't get a good grip. He soon became frusterated and threw it on the floor, cracking it open and scattering pills all across the floor. He grabbed a handful of them and swallowed as many as he could. His throat started to itch and burn, and he began to cough violently. He heard his door slam open, but before he could get a good look at the person entering, he blacked out.


	7. Chapter 7

Hamilton should've locked the door. No, that would've been too kind. He should've found something sharp, and slit his throat, and leave his dead body for everybody to see. But once again, he just couldn't seem to die. What's wrong with him?

Hamilton woke up in a hospital room. Again. He hated the sight of this place. Hamilton had the urge to strike a match, and set this place ablaze. He'd never have to see this retched place again. But he was stuck here, and there was nothing he could do but loath. And so he did. He punched the wall, he ripped out his IV's, he fought as much as he could before a bunch of nurses came in and sedated him. Once again, all he could do was let his thick tears stream out like a waterfall. Hamilton hated this to no end. Words could not begin to express his pain. 

"Goddamnitt...you were really gonna do it?" A familiar voice asked. 

"What the _hell_ do you want!?" Alexander seethed. Sitting beside him, was Thomas Jefferson. If Alexander could move, he'd punch him and fight him all over again. 

"Well for starters, I want to know why you thought it'd be a good idea to try and kill yourself" he asked. 

"You really think you deserve to know? You've hated me for ages, and I hated you more. All you've ever done after my last attempt, was mock me. So what makes you think I'm gonna tell you why I did what I did?" He snapped. 

"Listen, I never thought you'd _actually_ try it! I just never would've thought someone could be so lucky to still be alive after trying to off themselves!" He exclaimed. 

"Yeah, lucky me" Hamilton said sarcastically. "You know, if I wanted attention, I'd do something to get it. But I wasn't looking for that. What I wanted, was to be left alone to die. Why can't anyone just _let me die!?_ " he shouted. "It's not fair" 

Jefferson's face showed no expression. What was he supposed to do? He hated Alexander. He's arrogant, loud mouthed, disrespectful, and immature. But he didn't wish for this. Jefferson was guilty. Who wouldn't be? But it's not his place to comfort Hamilton. What kind of sick joke would that be? 

"Alexander, I'm sorry" Jefferson said. 

"Whatever" he whispered, closing his eyes and sighing. 

"Look, you don't have to forgive me, but don't just ignore me! I'm trying to be nice!" Jefferson exclaimed. No response. "Fine, whatever. I have work to do, so I'm gonna go. Don't go doing anything stupid while I'm gone, idiot" Jefferson sighed. "Do you want me to call anyone for you?" He asked. 

"No one would care. Just go" Hamilton said. 

"Did you at least lock your door this morning?" Jefferson asked, remembering how tired Alexander looked this morning. 

"Phillip locks the door in the mornings. Everything's fine, so just go!" Hamilton yelled. 

"Who's Phillip?" Jefferson asked. Alexander gasped. 

"Oh my god! I forgot about Phillip!" Alexander yelled. "Jefferson! I hate your guts, but just this once, do me a favor and I'll pay you back!" He shouted, his face scared. 

"God damnitt Alexander, what did you do this time?" Jefferson groaned. 

"I need you to go to my house, and watch my kid" he said. "It's a long story, but I can't leave him alone for too long, he's just a kid!" He said 

" _you_ have a kid?" Jefferson asked, smirking. "I guess the world is full of suprises. You owe me big time Alexander" Jefferson said. 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. My keys are in my bag, you can take them. Now get out of here and hurry! And I want my house in one piece when I get back" He said. Jefferson ignored him and took Alexander's keys before leaving. 

______ 

Alexander ended up being hospitalized for three weeks. He needed surgery again, to remove all the chemicals he ingested. He wanted to keep his condition secret, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to cover the expenses on his own. He had to call Eliza again. 

"Hello?" A sweet voice spoke. Hamilton could tell from the sound of her voice that Eliza was having a peaceful day. She sounded like she didn't have a care in the world. He wasn't going to burden her. 

"Oh, Eliza" Hamilton began awkwardly. "How are you?" He asked. 

"I'm doing pretty good! I'm with Angelica at our Manhattan home, and we're having so much fun" she said. 

"Manhattan home? The one you two share?" He asked. 

"The one and only! We didn't want to go to the main house in New York because Peggy and Daddy are having some bonding time, and they haven't seen eachother in ages! We would've stopped by your house, but I know you don't feel comfortable around too many people at once" she said. 

"No, no its alright! I'd love to have you over!" He said. "But I was just calling to check in, I should go now" he said. 

"Wait, Alexander!" Eliza called, stopping Hamilton from hanging up. "Is there...anything bothering you right now?" She asked. Oh nooooo! 

"W-what? Of course not!" He said defensively. 

"Alexander, is there something you're not telling me?" She asked, obviously suspicious. Damnitt! After all the time they've spent together, how could Hamilton think he could get away with lying to Eliza!? 

"Eliza, don't worry. I'm fine" he said, trying to sound as assuring as possible. 

"Alright then. If you say you're fine, I guess I should trust you. You wouldn't lie to me, right Alexander?" She asked. Alexander could practically feel her grinning from the other side of the phone. 

"Eliza..." he whispered. She probably didn't hear too well, because she just continued on. 

"Alexander, what happened to your cell phone?" She asked. 

"My cell phone? What do you mean?" He asked, confused. 

"Well, you're calling me from a different number. Did you break your phone?" She asked. 

"Y-yes! I broke it, and I'm getting a new one very soon!" He said. As if to mock his terrible lying, he felt his phone vibrate in his bag. He denied whatever call he was recieving, and prayed Eliza didn't hear. 

"Alexander?" She spoke again. 

"Yes?" 

"If you broke your phone, then why is Angelica able to hear you on the other end of her phone?" She asked. Hamilton froze. He rejected the call! How on earth could she possibly be able to hear!? 

Alexander took his phone out from his bag, and realized that he had accidentally accepted the call, instead of denied it. 

"O-oh! I guess my phone wasn't broken after all" he chuckled. He's dead. 

"Oh, and one more thing Alexander" Eliza said. "The last time Angelica visited you at the hospital, she saved the hospital's main phone number to her phone, and mine" she said. 

_Oh noooo!_

"Eliza, I-" 

"Alexander, stop trying to lie to me and tell me what's going on! Why are you in the hospital!?" She asked, sounding hurt. 

"Eliza, I'm sorry! I didn't want you to know I was here, but I just ended up calling you and didn't know what to say" he said. 

"Alexander. What did you do?" She asked, her voice becoming slightly more stern. Alexander sighed and let a tear roll down his cheek. 

"I'm sorry Eliza...I did it again. I...I swallowed some pills and...God I'm such an _idiot_! I'm sorry Eliza" he choked, starting to cry into the phone. 

"Alexander, you swallowed pills!? Are you alright!? Is there anything you need!?" She asked, obviously scared. 

"Please, just...don't worry about it. I'll be fine" he said. 

" _Alexander_ " Eliza said quietly. "You swallowed _pills_. Alexander, you need to get your stomach pumped!" She gasped in realization. "Alexander, how were you planning to pay for the surgery!?" She exclaimed. 

"Eliza, please calm down" he said. 

"Alexander! Answer me!" She demanded. 

""Eliza, please-" 

"Alexander!" 

"I wasn't going to pay for it!" He finally shouted. There was a moment of silence before Alexander hiccupped. He sobbed quietly, clenching his fists. He felt pathetic and stupid. 

"Alexander" she spoke quietly, as if she didn't have the strength to talk normally anymore. "I'm sorry" she said, her voice cracking a bit as well. "I know you're having a hard time, I should've done better to make you happy" she said, sniffling a bit. 

"Eliza-!" 

"Alexander, I'm coming to see you!" She shouted. Before anything else could be said, Eliza hung up the phone.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos!

Hamilton lied on his bed, nervous and depressed. He should've just slit his throat. That way, he'd be dead without having to be in the hospital again. But he didn't have anything sharp. Hours passed, and Hamilton started to think she wouldn't come, but just as he was about to fall asleep, his door slammed open. Hamilton jumped up with a frightened gasp, his eyes wide and his face pale from the sudden intrusion. A sudden, _loud_ intrusion.

"Alexander!" Eliza exclaimed, running to Alexander with a smile and hugging him lovingly. Hamilton used to date Eliza, but when college came around, he refused to take a break from his work. In the end, he couldn't make time for her, and they broke up. But they're on much better terms now, and she is one of the few people that Alexander would miss when he's gone...if he ever manages to leave this miserable hell-hole. 

"Eliza" he responded, not knowing what else to say. 

"She didn't come alone". Eliza stood properly and smiled softly, but sadly at Alexander as Angelica hugged him as well. 

"Why, Alexander? Why do you keep doing this? Don't you know how much you mean to us?" Angelica asked, her voice weak as if she'd cry soon. "Alexander, my heart can't take it anymore. I almost lost you twice, this is the third time...and I'm starting to feel like it's my fault. Alexander, I care about you. Why won't you let me be there for you?" She asked. 

"Angelica..." Alexander breathed out. 

"You're worrying all of us, mon' ami" Alexander gasped and looked at the doorway. Standing there, was Lafayette, one of his closest friends in his teenage years. They even joined the army together, and fought in battle together. When Alexander got sent home, Lafayette was the one who got him back on the battlefield. But they haven't spoken at all since Laurens passed... 

"Lafayette..." Somehow, saying his name out loud just made it harder not to cry. He sniffled and sobbed, holding his head in his hands. Lafayette didn't even need to say anything, he just hugged Alexander and cradled his head comfortingly. He stroked his hair and tried not to cry himself. It was bittersweet in a sick way. It's pathetic, that Alexander couldn't even ask the people he cares about most, for help. But he knows well enough, that he'd never ask for help anyway.

Eliza and Angelica kneeled in front of Hamilton, speaking comforting words while Lafayette hugged him. Eventually Alexander had cried himself out, and fell asleep. Eliza and Angelica left. They wanted to stay with Alexander, but they had to catch a bus to Manhattan before they miss all of them, since no busses were going that way tomorrow. It was snowing hard, and there'd be a blizzard soon. Strange how the weather changes over time. 

Strange how people can change over time too. Alexander used to be such a proud young man, but now.... 

Now what? What's damaged him so badly, that he'd try to take away his life he's worked so hard to keep? 

"Must've been terrible..." Lafayette whispered, before soon falling asleep as well. 

When Alexander woke up, he had almost forgotten that he'd been taken to the hospotal. He'd almost forgotten all the pain that ate at him all the time. He'd almost remembered what it was like to wake up, and not want to cry. _almost_. The moment he saw Lafayette, and the hospital room, everything hit him again. But he didn't cry. He must've been dried up after all the crying he's done. Instead, he just sighed and looked up at the ceiling blankly. What was it like up there? Must've been nice. He'd be with Laurens, his mother, his cousin, and his entire home town. It's like everywhere he goes, someone Alexander knows just dies. Was it his fault? Was he just meant to bring bad luck? If he died, would everyone be safe and happy? That would be nice.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos!

Hamilton eventually left the hospital to go home. Home sounded nice. He couldn't wait to throw his shoes off and sleep in his bed, comfortably for once.

Hamilton reached in his bag for his keys, but couldn't find them. He searched frantically until he remembered that he gave his keys to Thomas Jefferson. Hamilton slapped his forehead and grimaced, not looking forward to seeing the man again. As if on cue, he recieved a text from an unknown number. 

_Alexander, this is Jefferson. Don't get too comfortable with my number, I just wanted to let you know that since you should be coming home today, don't tell Phillip that you were in the hospital again. When I saw him, he was really worried about you, so I told him you were staying over at a friend's house to get some important work done. Play along with the story, or you'll make your kid cry. I'll see you later._

Alexander sighed. The plan was smart, and he knew it. That's why he hated it so much. Why did Thomas have to be the one to make the smart choice? Alexander hated being outsmarted by his enemy. He felt so small and useless, but he couldn't do anything about it. So he just went home. 

Alexander knocked on the door, feeling uncomfortable without his keys. Of course, as soon as Jefferson opened the door, Phillip excitedly hugged him, his smile wide with happiness. 

"Mister Hamilton! I missed you!" He exclaimed. Hamilton laughed and pat Phillips head. 

"Hi Phillip. Did you behave while I was gone?" He asked. 

"Yeah!" 

"That's good. More importantly, was Jefferson mean to you at all?" 

"No way! He gave me a tattoo!" Phillip exclaimed. Alexander immediately shot a glare at Jefferson, before looking back at Phillip. He had rolled up his sleeve proudly, showing off his shoulder. 

_'The Declaration Of Independence Is Rad'_

"Jefferson, what the fuck!?" Alexander seethed to the man, careful not to let Phillip hear. 

"Calm down, it's not real. It only lasts about two weeks the longest then washes away" he chuckled. 

"I'm a man now!" Phillip huffed, standing with pride. 

"Well, has this _'man'_ eaten anything, at least?" Hamilton asked, knowing he'd regret asking. 

"Alexander what the hell!? You think I'd starve your kid!? I fed him properly" Jefferson snapped. 

"Yeah!I had mac' n' cheese every day!" Phillip said happily. Hamilton glared at Jefferson again, but said nothing.

After Jefferson left, Alexander checked the kitchen while Phillip showered. Somehow, seeing all the macaroni gone, made him upset. Jefferson was such an idiot, thinking that feeding Phillip macaroni every day is anywhere near healthy. The only thing Alexander could do, was make sure Phillip ate something healthy. 

Of course, Phillip was picky, just like any usual kid. But after a short scolding, Alexander managed to get Phillip to eat his dinner. Thank goodness he wasn't rude like most kids. If he was, Alexander wouldn't have any idea how to handle it. 

Phillip went to sleep shortly after eating. Alexander was about to go to sleep too, before he heard a knock at the door. With an annoyed sigh, he went to open the door. 

Alexander was suprised to see a woman standing before him, looking quite...stunning, to say the least. She was tall, skinny, and curvey. Her long hair hung in elegant waves, complimenting her feminine body and beautiful eyes. Her lips were heart shaped, and red like her clothing...which revealed enough to swoon Alexander's mind and body. Whatever she said, he listend. Not only was she beautiful, she was dreadfully helpless. 

Alexander didn't know how he transitioned so quickly. He started off talking to Maria, comforting her as best as he could, to giving her some money to provide for herself, to undressing her in his bedroom. He knew it was wrong, to help her have an affair, but it would be fine if it was a secret. Besides, it'll be just for tonight, and that'll be the last time. 

Well, he said that last time, now it's become a past time. A month into this endeavor, Hamilton recieved a message, from a _Mr. James Reynolds_. And even better! It said; 

_From James Reynolds, reaching out to you in regards of my wife's affair. Dear sir:_

 _I hope this message finds you in good health, and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the pockets of people like me, down on their luck. You see, that was my wife you decided to..._

"Fu-" Alexander gaped, continuing to read the letter. 

_Uh oh! You've made the wrong sucker! A cuck hold! And so, it's time to pay the piper for the pants you unbuckled! And hey, you can keep seeing my whore wife, if the price is right. If not, you don't mind the world knowing, right?_

Alexander threw his phone, furious. How could he be so stupid!? If the world gets word that he helped a stripper have an affair with her husband, his reputation would be ruined! He immediately ran to Maria's house, shouting with anger and fear, in her face until she cried pathetically. Hamilton composed himself, but began to attack himself. 

"How could I do this!?" He growled. In attempt to calm him, Maria wrapped her arms around Alexander's waist, from behind. 

"Just give him what he wants and you can have me" she sobbed. 

"I don't want you" Alexander said coldly. Maria shouted a desperate plea for him to stay, despite Hamilton's coldness. Eventually she convinced him to sleep with her, just one more time. 

Weeks passed, and Alexander soon recieved another message from James, despite not having slept with Maria again. He wanted money. If he got his money, he'll keep his filthy mouth shut. 

"Nobody needs to know" Hamilton whispered to himself, typing an agreement and sending it to the man. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the story, don't forget to comment and leave Kudos!

Alexander did his best to keep his actions secret. Of course, he didn't stop himself from seeing Maria, and she was all the more beautiful every time he saw her. Often times, Alexander considered marrying her for himself, but would always shake away the ideas, knowing it wouldn't do him any good. 

But having Maria wasn't entirely bad either. She did a lot for Alexander, and helped him in ways most people wouldn't. She helped him finally adopt Phillip, legally, and she helped him get a bed and some cloths for Phillip. Her husband may have said they were down on their luck, but Maria knew fully well that they were nowhere close to being poor. Alexander had saved Maria from countless beatings from her husband, so she didn't mind returning the favor. Of course, Alexander was also working on getting James in jail, so that way Maria would be free from her husband and everything would be ok again. Even if James tries to expose Alexander, no one would listen to him because of what he did. 

______ 

Alexander was making dinner for Phillip, tired from his day at work and glad that tomorrow he'd have the day off. When he finished cooking, he served the plates for both Phillip and himself to eat. 

"Phillip! There's food on the table for you!" He called.

"Coming!" He called back. Alexander could hear Phillip's footsteps from his room, as he ran to the kitchen. He smiled sweetly at the boy, but quickly that smile faded. Alexander went pale. 

"Daddy, who's this?" He asked, holding up an old photo. It was a picture of Laurens in his teen years, when he and Alexander had joined the army. He was in his uniform, smiling like a goof. Alexander shakily grabbed the picture, staring at it with tears in his eyes. 

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Phillip asked. "Why are you crying?" 

"Oh Phillip, I'm so sorry...there are some things that you're just too young to understand" Alexander explained, wiping his eyes. "But don't worry Phillip, you didn't do anything wrong...it's just, you look so much like him, that I started to remember some things about him" 

"Was he mean?" Phillip asked. 

"No, he was quite the opposite. He was kind, and strong, and brave, and loyal, and sweet, and...and I loved him so much, and I still love him...and I miss him dearly" he said, covering his face as he cried. Phillip hugged Alexander, in attempt to calm him. Alexander sobbed and hugged back. 

______ 

Alexander had forgotten how it felt to be comforted. As a child, everyone he knew died, and soon there was no one left to care about him. But once he won his scholarship, he isolated himself as much as possible, and solely focused on his studies. No one even knew he was depressed, and he couldn't blame them. Of course, by the time he graduated and joined the army, people started to see more of Hamilton, and more so; his depression. They tried to talk to him, but no one could get Hamilton to tell them what was wrong. He never showed any weakness, so he never got any help. It was because of his stupid pride. Alexander never wanted to be seen as "weak" or "helpless" ever again. Pity was what got him out of the Caribbean, and pity was what made him known to the world. But he didn't want to be known just because people feel bad for him, he wanted people to look up to him and respect him. He wanted people to look at his hard work, instead of looking at his unfortunate life. 

Of course, he didn't live completely without emotional support. When Laurens was alive, he was the only one who knew Alexander's backstory. He knew about his asshole father, his whore mother, his suicidal cousin, his judgmental peers, and his starving days. He knew all about the back breaking work Alexander did each night, just to feed himself while other poor people died around him. He knew all about the times Alexander was in such crippling pain, he thought he would die, while the richer folks laughed at his pitiful state. He knew all about how he wrote his way out of poverty, and strove to earn a scholarship even if he had nothing but the cloths on his back and the education he worked hard for. He knew all of it, and although he felt bad for him, he still treated him with the same respect as he always did. He didn't treat him any differently, he let Alexander feel like a normal person for once. And whenever Alexander was at his worst, John would always be there to make things better. He'd comfort Alexander, and then try to lighten the mood when everything was ok, by cooking food, or telling him awesome stories. He was never clingy, but he never let Alexander suffer alone. He was always there for him, and he always made things better, no matter how bad Alexander felt. He was one of the kindest, most amazing person Alexander had known. And Alexander had almost thought of living a happy life with him. But then... 

"Alexander, a letter came for you from South Carolina" Eliza said, standing nervously. 

"A letter? It might just be John Laurens, I'll read it right after I finish this essay" Alexander said. "I wonder why he didn't just text me" Alexander whispered to himself. 

"No, Alexander, it's not...it's not from John Laurens...it's from his father" Eliza said, looking at the letter with shaky hands. Had she already read it? What was going on? 

"Will you read it?" Alexander asked after a moment of silence. 

_"To whomever this may concern;_

_On Tuesday the 27th, my son was killed in a gunfight against enemy troops retreating from South Carolina. They had not yet recieved word that the war was already over. As you know, John dreamed of emancipating and recruiting 3000 men for the first all-black military regiment. The surviving members have returned to their masters. The fact that you're recieving this letter, and are able to read it right now, is proof that his legacy shall not die, like he did..."_

"Alexander...are you alright?" Eliza asked. They had been dating for nearly a year, but she knew well enough that he cared about John more than anyone else in the world. And after losing everyone he ever cared about, she knew it would hurt more than anything to lose the one person he opened up to. However, Alexander's reaction was one that she would've never expected. 

He sat there, frozen, for what felt like an eternity, before standing up. His movements were flat, as if he were a puppet. He wore no expression as he walked past Eliza, who was unspeakably concerned. Seven words were said, before Alexander disappeared. 

"I have so much work to do". 

Eliza hadn't seen him for weeks after that.


	11. Chapter 11

To say that Alexander was damaged, would be an understatement. Upon hearing about John's death, he hadn't left his room for weeks. Eliza tried talking to him through the door, but he would never respond. Sometimes she wondered if he was listening, or if he could even hear her.

Countless times she'd try to go inside his room, but the door would always be locked, and she didn't have the key. She would leave food outside his door, but he'd never eat it. It came to a point that she'd individually call every person she thought could help. Angelica, Mulligan, Burr, Lafayette, Washington, Peggy, and a couple of Alexander's ex-girlfriends. Angelica tried to comfort Alexander, but got irritated when she recieved no response, not even him crying. It was as if he was ignoring her, but that was proven wrong when the two got into a heated arguement after she told him to man up and get over it. Hercules wasn't any better at comforting Alexander, but instead of arguing, he would try to talk to him and ask him questions, but would go completely discarded. Not even five minutes passed, and the man was already awkward and silent, not knowing just what to say. Burr managed to get Alexander to insult him a bit, which was a sign that he wasn't completely changed. But other than that, he had no luck either. Peggy tried so hard to cheer Alexander up, that she came off as annoying, and he eventually yelled at her to shut up. Washington was the only one who could have and decent conversation with Alexander. Alexander didn't tell him about his backstory, but he at least answered whatever other questions Washington asked. 

"Alexander, are you eating lately?" 

"No. I haven't been hungry, sir" 

"When was the last time you left your room?" 

"I don't remember" 

"Have you showered, or changed your cloths?" 

"Yeah, but I haven't had the energy to do it every day" 

"Would you like me to come inside?" 

"I'd rather be alone" 

"Son, you know that you don't have to be alone" 

"I don't have to be with you either sir...but I just want to be alone, so please just...just leave me alone" 

The conversation ended there. Eliza was disappointed at first, since things were going so well, but when she saw the hurt Washington felt, she decided not to push him any further. He always saw Alexander as the son he never had, so seeing Alexander in such a state was hurting him, probably more than it hurt Eliza. She felt awful for not considering that at first, but progress was progress, and she promised herself that when Alexander got better, Washington would be the first one invited to see him. 

The luckiest one out of everyone Alexander knew, was Lafayette. When he arrived, Alexander was quiet like he'd usually been. However, Alexander knew well enough that Lafayette was almost as close to Laurens as he was. Soon, Lafayette began to quietly cry in front of the door. He sobbed quietly, and whispered apologies to Alexander for not being able to help at all. Of course Alexander felt guilty, so he opened the door just a bit, allowing Lafayette to come inside. The door remained closed, and Alexander made Lafayette swear to keep their conversation secret, but when he left, Eliza had a feeling that things went well. 

______ 

Alexander opened the door for Lafayette, looking at the floor. He wasn't ready to look his friend in the eyes yet. 

"mon ami, Alexander, s'il vous plaît dites-moi ce qui est mal, Je veux juste t'aider*" Lafayette choked out. His words stung. Alexander knew that Lafayette only spoke French when he was under a lot of stress, or if he wanted to emphasize a point. In this case, it was both. 

"Lafayette I...I'm so sorry" Alexander said, tearing up. Lafayette didn't respond. He just shook his head and hugged Alexander tight, crying into his chest. 

"Please stop this, please! Tu me fais mal, et tout le monde Alexander. S'il te plaît, Laurens ne voudrait pas ça et tu le sais! Please just...just stop it mon ami...please*" he cried. He was right. He was always right. And the reality of his mistake was enough to bring Alexander to his breaking point. He fell to his knees, crying pathetically. Of course, Lafayette comforted him until he was calm, but he couldn't stop Alexander's French whispers. 

"Je suis tellement désolé ... Lafayette Je ne sais pas comment je vais résoudre ça, mais s'il te plaît, pardonne-moi*" he'd say. Lafayette shushed him, and stroked his hair until he was calm. 

When Lafayette had to leave, Alexander made him promise to keep everything a secret. 

Lafayette was facing a great loss too, so Alexander had to be strong so he doesn't hurt the people who care about him. 

He may not have left his room yet, but he would at least eat and shower more often now. 

______ 

Phillip slept soundly. Alexander had given him a cup of warm milk to relax him. He hoped he hadn't stressed him out... 

Alexander spent that night wondering if Phillip had learned anything bad about Alexander. That photo he grabbed was from Alexander's journal. Had Phillip read the journal? What would he think if he did read it? 

More importantly; would Phillip be influenced by Alexander's decisions he recorded in that journal? 

______ 

**Translation for the French part!**

**1\. "My friend, Alexander, please tell me what's wrong. I just want to help you"**

**2\. "Please stop this, please! You're hurting me, and everyone who cares about you Alexander! Laurens would not want this, and you know it! Please just...just stop it, my friend...please"**

**3\. "I'm so sorry...Lafayette I don't know how im going to fix this, but please forgive me"**

**Also! If you speak French, and notice any errors in my translation, please let me know, as I do not speak a lick of French! I used Google translate to help me, and I know that this source is not always reliable, so thank you for your patience. ******


	12. Chapter 12

The next day, Alexander had some unexpected guests.

There was a knock at the door, and Phillip was eager to open the door. 

"Phillip, no" Alexander said. "I'll open the door. You continue your studies" he instructed. Phillip nodded and went back to his work. Suprisingly, Alexander found that the knock had come from a girl he hadn't seen in ages. 

"Mister Hamilton!" 

"Theodosia!" 

Alexander smiled sweetly at the little girl, curious about her sudden visit. It's been so long since they've last seen eachother, so having her stand before him was quite the suprise. 

"And I'm here too, Alexander" another voice said. Of course he was here. 

"Mr Burr, sir" Alexander said, his enthusiasm quickly dying. 

"Pleasure to see you as well, Alexander. My daughter here wanted to kindly invite you to her upcoming graduation party" he said. 

"Yes! It's been so long, and I'd love to have you sir!" She chirped. 

"That is a generous offer Mr Burr, Theodosia. Why don't you two come inside and we can further discuss the details? Perhaps I can be of some assistance for the preparation" he offered, opening the door welcomingly for the two. Burr and Theodosia walked inside, accepting Alexander's offer. 

"Please excuse the mess. I wasn't expecting any guests today" Alexander said, pushing aside some of his papers from the table. Phillip sat across him, his work piled neatly next to him as he worked. He's advanced quickly, Alexander noticed. He can now speak a bit of Latin, a bit of French, and can understand advanced English. His spelling and pronunciation, in all three languages, need improvement however. Alexander knew Burr had always payed for the best schools for his daughter, and that she was likely ahead of Phillip in her studies. But if Phillip works hard enough, he can be just as good as her, or even better. Alexander believes in him. 

"Daddy, who's that?" Phillip asked, pointing to Theodosia, who he's never met. 

"Phillip, don't point. It's rude" Alexander scolded. "This is our guest, Theodosia. She's here with her father Burr, who I'm going to talk to, ok?" He said. 

"But daddy, I need help with my work" Phillip said, looking nervous. 

"Phillip, you can go to your room and take a break now. The adults are going to talk, alright?" Alexander said. 

"Can't I stay? I want to know what adults talk about" Phillip asked. 

"No Phillip, I said I want you to go to your room. You can play, or draw, or read, or whatever it is you want to do. Doesn't that sound fun?" Alexander asked, slightly annoyed. 

"Well...what about Theodosia? She's not an adult. Why does she get to stay?" Phillip asked. 

"Well..." Alexander didn't know how to respond. 

"Theodosia, would you like to go play with Phillip?" Burr asked. 

"Can she, daddy?" Phillip asked. 

"If Burr is fine with it, then I don't see why not. Now will you please go to your room now?" 

Phillip nodded and ran off, with Theodosia following behind. 

"You know, I didn't need your help" Alexander stated plainly. 

"Of course not Alexander, but _I personally_ didn't want to watch you scold your child. But now it's over, so let's talk" he responded. 

Alexander and Burr spoke and came to agreements that he and Phillip would arrive on the day before the party, to help prepare everything. In return, Burr would treat them to breakfast the next morning. Of course, out of pride, Alexander declined. But Burr is just as prideful, and insisted. When it was time for Burr to leave, both Alexander and Burr were shocked to see Theodosia, and Phillip's hair much messier than when they left to play. They both had pouty faces, slightly glaring at eachother, which Alexander noticed. 

"Theodosia! What on earth happened to you!?" Burr asked. He looked confused and concerned, but Alexander's known Burr long enough, to tell from the tone of his voice, that he's trying not to laugh. 

"Papa" Theodosia began, giving a devious smirk to Phillip. Her accent said clearly enough that she was about to speak French, which she only used at home...or if she's trying to impress someone. 

"Oui? Qu'est-ce que c'est, cheri?" Burr asked. 

"C'est sans importance papa. J'étais sensible au conflit entre Phillip et moi, auquel nous pouvons converser chez nous" she said fluently. She had a proud smile on her face, knowing that Phillip wouldn't understand a word of what she just said. She was wrong. 

"bien ... elle l'a commencé! ce n'est pas de ma faute si elle est un monstre!" Phillip exclaimed. Theodosia gasped and looked at Phillip in shock. He stuck his tongue out at her and her face flushed with anger. 

"Take that back!" She exclaimed. 

"Monstre! Monster!" Phillip teased, laughing at her as she grew more angry. Phillip continued to tease her, until she finally snapped and slapped him. 

" _Theodosia!_ " Burr gasped. He grabbed his daughter by the wrist and pulled her away from Phillip. 

"I am so sorry Alexander, she's usually much better behaved than this! I'm sure she didn't mean it" 

"It's alright Burr. I just hope little Theodosia doesn't ban us from her party. You'll forgive my son, won't you princess?" He asked sweetly. Theodosia sighed. 

"Alright. But only because I like you, Mr. Hamilton!" Theodosia said with a smile. 

"We'll be taking our leave now. I'll see you soon Alexander" Burr said. Alexander waved before locking the door. 

______ 

**(A/N: oooh, is this a _happy_ chapter I see? Haha, suuuure. I'm totally not gonna break your hearts or anything) **

****

**Translation for the French parts!**

****

****

****

****

****

**1\. Papa (it just means dad...)**

****

****

****

****

****

**2\. Yes? What is it?**

****

****

****

****

****

**3\. It's of no importance daddy. I was susceptible to conflict between Phillip and myself, to which we may converse at home.**

****

****

****

****

****

**4\. Well...she started it! It's not my fault she's a monster!**

****

****

****

**5\. Monster!**

**Also! If you speak French, and notice any errors in my translation, please let me know, as I do not speak a lick of French! I used Google translate to help me, and I know that this source is not always reliable, so thank you for your patience.**

**Another authors note!**

**I've noticed that most fanfic have Alexander fall in love with someone at the end. That will not be the case with this story. I'm sorry if I may have dissapointed you, but I want this story to focus on Alexander's feelings and how he grows from being depressed, to appreciating the happiness in his life. I want him to have friends that support him along the way, not love interests, because I feel like that'll take away from the admirable aspects of Alexander as a character, and the story as a whole.**


	13. Chapter 13

Alexander couldn't help but feel a bit proud of himself when he went to mark the calendar. It's been a full week since the last time he cut himself, and he found himself happy about that. Before, he could barely last a day without turning to his blade. But now, he has Phillip, who actually cares about him. He didn't want to do to Phillip, what everyone else did to him. He didn't want to leave Phillip alone.

Work was boring as usual. Just a bunch of silent writing for hours straight. Alexander wondered how he could be a lawyer, but never see the courtroom. It's been a long time since his last actual debate. He and Jefferson almost got into an actual fist fight. 

In the middle of his writing, Alexander found himself daydreaming about random past events, before a sudden opening of his door startled him back to reality. 

"Alexander" Washington greeted. Alexander sighed, glad it was him and not anyone who would get mad over him daydreaming. Well...mad enough to fire him. 

"Yes sir, is something wrong?" Alexander asked, noticing the odd tone of voice Washington used. He didn't sound strong and athorative, but more flat and something else... 

"You're free for the day. Don't worry about your assignment, I'll have Jefferson cover for you" he said. 

"Sir, with all due respect, Jefferson hates me. How can I be so sure that he'll do this and not make it look bad?" He asked. 

"Because his job will be on the line" Washington answered. 

"Well...have I done something wrong to be sent home for the day?" Alexander asked. 

"On the contrary. There's somewhere I have to take you" he said, looking down. 

"Sir?" 

"Alexander, I'm expecting you to be ready to leave in ten minutes" Washington ordered. Alexander, still a bit confused, nodded and gathered his things. Where on earth could he be going? What could be so important, that Washington needed to take Alexander in the middle of work? 

______ 

Once Alexander had all his belongings, he headed to the exit where Washington was waiting for him. He looked tired. His eyes were red, and had dark bags under them. His skin was pale, and he looked like he wanted to go back to sleep. 

"Sir, are you alright?" Alexander asked quietly. He would never admit to this, but he did care about the man. He's the closest he ever had to a father. 

"Alexander...I've noticed that you're not as tired lately. You seem to have become more like yourself" he said. Alexander was confused, but nodded. 

"I've found someone to live for. He needs me, and I want to be there for him" Alexander said. 

"Do you promise to live...no matter what happens?" He asked. Alexander froze when he saw Washington fight back tears. He didn't know how to react to this. So he did what his son did to calm him down, he hugged him. Washington froze, looking down at Hamilton who didn't dare look his boss in the eye. There was a moment of awkward silence before Alexander teared up too. 

"Sir...what's going on? This isn't you..." Alexander whispered. "I've been doing so well...is that bad?" He asked. Washington looked down at Alexander with wide teary eyes. He never meant to come off that way. 

"Alexander, I never meant it like that. I'm sorry it's just..." he sighed. "Alexander, I care about you. You're like a son to me, and I don't want to lose you" he started. "When Laurens died...I had no idea how to help you. You were so broken that you wouldn't even let me see you...son, it took a lot of strength for me not to break down near you. But when I saw you were suffering, I felt broken. Son, I cried. And I cried when I heard you tried to kill yourself. Son...I couldn't take it. I really couldn't take it anymore" he said, more tears falling from his face. He showed Alexander his arm, lined with old scars on his wrists. Alexander gasped, suddenly horrified. He touched the scars, flinching at the rough feel of his skin. Alexander couldn't bear to look at what he did any longer before his legs gave out. He fell to his knees and cried. Washington kneeled and hugged Alexander, stroking his hair with one hand and rubbing his back in circles with the other hand. 

"Sir...please don't go...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" Alexander whispered. Washington sushed him, silently comforting Alexander. 

"Son, please...you hurt me when you do things like that. Please don't try to kill yourself" he said. Alexander nodded and wiped his face. 

______ 

**Authors note!**

**Sorry this chapter sucked. I wanted to include a bit more interaction between Alexander and Washington, because honestly I think their father/son relationship is adorable! That's all, thanks for reading (roll credits)**


	14. Chapter 14

Washington had never been the mushy type. It was rare to recieve a hug from him, and nearly no one has ever seen the man cry. But Alexander had recieved sudden comfort from him, which scared him more than anything. 

Alexander knew from the moment Washington she'd his first tear, that something was terribly wrong. 

Well...he was right. 

Alexander burst in through the doors of the hospital, panicked. He wasted no time as he rushed to a lady sitting behind a desk. 

"Where is she!?" He shouted. 

"Alexander, _calm down_ " Washington whispered. 

"Sir, I need a name" the lady stated. 

"Hamilton! Alexander Hamilton!" 

"Yes, and you're here for..." 

"Peggy Schyler!" Alexander exclaimed.

"She's waiting on the first floor, third door on your left" 

"What happened to her?" He asked. 

"From what I heard, she had an asthma attack, but I have no idea about the rest of the details" the lady said.

"Asthma...? Peggy doesn't have asthma... I've never seen her take medicine for that!" Alexander said, breathless and pale. 

"Yes, we'll I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have all the details, you'll have to ask one of the doctors" she said, looking back at her computer screen. Alexander walked towards the room Peggy was in, Washington following slowly behind. Alexander couldn't stand it anymore. He hated the pity, he hated the deaths, he hated the promise he made, he hated everything! 

He had to go see Peggy. 

So he ran. He sprinted to her room and was suprised to see that he was the only one there. Washington waited outside, probably so that Peggy could be alone with whoever visited her. He never knew her that well either, so it'd be strange for him to be there. But where was everyone else? 

_'oh...that's right'_ he thought. _'Angelica and Eliza went to visit London again...Hercules and Lafayette are in France...Burr probably wouldn't know about this...and Peggy never did have any friends...'_

Alexander fought back his tears as he kneeled beside Peggy's bed. Her body was devoid of color, and if it hadn't been for the life support line constantly beeping, he would've thought she was dead already. He grabbed her hand, noticing how badly he was shaking when he felt her still hand in his. What on earth happened to her!? 

"Alexander...?" A voice called. Alexander looked up with a gasp, his eyes widening when he saw Peggy lying awake in front of him. She didn't look any different from when she was asleep, but Alexander disregarded how she looked, long enough to thank the gods above that she was awake. 

"Peggy, thank god you're alright! What happened to you!?" He asked. 

"It's a long story...please don't be mad" 

"I could never be mad at you" 

"Well..." she started. 

_Peggy decided to visit Alexander after her sisters went back to London. She was sad that she didn't see her sisters much, but they looked happy, so she didn't mind. When she arrived at his house, he wasn't home. She knew he'd be at work, so she let herself in with the spare key he had given her. Of course, she was suprised when she saw a little boy in the house, but after some introduction, they got along just fine. But while she speaking to Phillip, he happened to mention one of Alexander's suicide attempts, which Peggy knew nothing about. He explained to her that he tried to kill himself on several occasions, and that he found a journal that went into more detail about what Alexander thought, felt, and experienced. Of course, Phillip didn't understand a word of its writing, but allowed Peggy to read it so she could understand. That was when it happened..._

"I began wheezing...I couldn't breethe. So Phillip found your phone, which you left at home, and called the first contact he could find...he called your boss" she continued. "He cried into the phone and begged him to help, and I didn't wait very long before I was being taken into an ambulance. Then I ended up here. They did some tests on me, and found some abnormalities with my head...and then they found out that I...I have brain cancer..." she said quietly, as if she were ashamed of her condition. Alexander was silent. What was he supposed to say? His closest female friend, is dying right in front of him, and it's because of him. Sure, there have never been any romantic feelings between the two, but Alexander truly did love Peggy, and he didn't want this for her. If he apologized, what would she say? 

"Peggy..." was all he could say. He couldn't fight the tears anymore. This was all too much. So he wrapped his arms around her limp body and sobbed, wetting her blanket and cloths but neither of them cared. 

"Alexander" she whispered. 

"Yes?" He responded, sniffling a bit. 

"Please cheer up. I don't want you to die...I love you" she said, smiling weakly. 

"I love you too Peggy, I love you so much" he said, his tears beginning to burn his cheeks as they streamed down. 

"Alexander...please forgive me" she said. 

"No...Peggy, don't go yet! W-we have to greet your sisters when they get back...we still have so much to do Peggy...come on" he resisted. 

"I love you" she whispered. 

_beeeeeeeeep_

Alexander looked at the life support machine. The line was completely straight... _dead_. Alexander'seyes widened in horror, as the sudden realization hit him. He suddenly shot up, and punched the machine to the floor, smashing it out of rage. Peggy's gone...she's gone and she was the last one to deserve it. Alexander was just about to finish off the rest of the hospital room, before he found himself being restrained. Washington had come into the room during Hamilton's fit, and he just as quickly removed him from there. 

"You!" He shouted. "You knew this was going to happen! That's why you made that big scene before we came!". Washington wore no expression, which usually meant he was hurt and didn't want to show it, but Hamilton didn't care. 

"Son, I just wanted to be there for you before you suffered that great loss-" 

"I'm not your son, I'm not your responsibility, and I should've never promised you anything!" He shouted, his eyes tearing up despite how much he's cried already. Alexander pushed past Washington and ran away. Washington stood in his place, unknowing of where to go or what to do. So he just stood, and silently cried. 

_'Alexander...stay alive'_


	15. Chapter 15

In the eyes of a hurricane, there is quiet. For just a moment, a yellow sky.

When Alexander was just fourteen, a hurricane his his home, but he didn't drown. He couldn't seem to die. 

He wrote his way out. He didn't die, he survived, and used his hunger for success as his drive. But along the way, he faced countless deaths, and losses, and all of it was linked to him trying to survive. So he tried dying. If that's all it took to escape, then why not? 

But Alexander made a promise not to die. He promised himself that he'd be around for Phillip, and he promised his boss that he'd stay alive. So he had to fight this pain. But no one said he had to be perfect... 

"Alexander...it's been so long" 

"Mariah...I need you now. I've been through so much, and I want to kill myself, but I just can't. I don't know what I'm going to do, but for now...could you please give me one thing?" He begged. 

"Of course...I'm all yours" she said, her face looking sadder than expected. 

Alexander wished the night would never end. Mariah was always the most gorgeous woman Alexander met, and he always forgot about his problems and had a moment of peace when he'd bed her. But all good things come to an end, and Alexander soon had to leave. 

He was given a few weeks break, to recover from the loss of his friend, but he still had to tutor Phillip and spend at least an hour or two with him, so he'd grow smart and confident. But when Alexander was work free, he'd find that his unoccupied mind is reckless and hurtful. He'd constantly have depressing thoughts, and countless times he found himself cutting without realizing until he saw the blood on the floor. 

He had to stop this. He had to forget. So he went to the last resort he could think of. 

He turned to alchohol. 

It started off fine. He'd buy a few drinks, get drunk, and then fall asleep. But the more he did this, the worse he became. It got so bad that he couldn't even drink in his own house anymore... 

It all started after a few days of being home. Alexander would drink, sleep, and repeat. Soon, he started drinking more and more, until he was a drunk mess. He'd get angry and get into fights over the phone, break things at random, yell in the mirror, and overreact about everything. 

Of course, Phillip would be scared. He had never seen anyone like this before, and he didn't know the difference between drunk and sober. He just thought his dad was angry, and that he should help. But his "help" actually irritated Alexander terribly. 

"Daddy, let's play a game!" He suggested, holding up a box of cards. Alexander had been yelling at his own reflection for ten minutes straight, and it scared Phillip. So he tried to distract him to make him happy. 

"No! I'm not leaving until this asshole is dead!" He shouted. 

"But that's you!" 

"Well, I want to die!" Alexander punched the mirror, shattering the glass. A small shard hit Phillip's cheek, cutting a thin line on his face in a quick second. He gasped when he felt the sting, but began to cry when his cheek bled. It was a small cut, but Phillip was scared, and hurt, and confused, and could only communicate through tears. Who could blame him? He's only nine years old! Alexander, of course, got annoyed and yelled at his son, who he didn't recognize as his son while in a drunk bliss. 

"Shut up!" He shouted. Phillip continued to cry loudly until Alexander was fed up and slapped the boy. 

Everything was silent for a moment. Somehow Phillip knew, that this was not the same Alexander that he knew. Alexander would never hit Phillip. He'd hit himself and a million other people before laying a hand on his son. So, Phillip ran to his room, and hid from the fake Alexander for the rest of the night. 

The next morning, Phillip refused to let Alex into his room, so Alexander assumed he was tired and left him alone. He cooked breakfast for him and left to Mariah's house. But when he got back, he was confused when the breakfast plate he served for Phillip, was still on the table, untouched. Was he not feeling well? 

Alexander knocked on Phillip's door, trying to figure out what was wrong, but Phillip didn't respond. He only locked the door and cried on the other side.

Alexander had no idea what to do, so he left him alone. But the next day, and the day after that, he showed no change. Alexander grew really worried, so he called the first person he could think of. He called Washington. 

He was mad, sure, but Phillip comes before Alexander's petiness. Washington is like a father to Alexander, so maybe he would know what to do? 

"Hello?" 

"It's Alexander" 

"What did he do this time?" 

"No, it's actually Alexander speaking, sir!" 

"What did you do this time?" 

"Nothing...I think" 

" _Alexander..._ ". Alexander flinched at Washington's growl. 

"Please...just come over. My son is acting strange and I have no idea what to do, and I need your help, so just.. please?" Alexander asked. 

Washington was always on Alexander's side. He knew that Alexander would almost never call him for help, unless it was important, so in no time flat, he was there at Alexander's door. 

"You came..." Alexander breathed out, a hint of relief in his tone. Washington smiled and let himself inside. 

"Always" he said, nodding.


	16. Chapter 16

Alexander was shocked. He had a tolerance for pain, but the sudden sting made him wince, before holding his face with confusion. George Washington had just _slapped_ Alexander Hamilton.

Alexander explained to Washington, what was happening to Phillip. How he'd leave to have sex, then get drunk once he's home. Of course, he couldn't remember what he did when he was drunk, but it must've been something awful since Phillip refused to even speak to Alex for two whole days. He expected George to give him some sort of advice, or maybe speak to Phillip and find out what's wrong. But this reaction was far from what Alexander expected... 

"Son, you have no idea how angry I am right now..." he said. His voice was low, and his words came out slowly. This was the voice he always used when he was angry, so Alexander didn't test him. 

"Sir?" Alex questioned, confused. He didn't know what to say, or why George was mad, but he wanted to understand. 

"How _dare_ you!? When I asked you to promise not to off yourself, it was because I wanted you to live and be happy. Not for you to go and do what you're doing!" He scolded. 

"I didn't care! You knew how I felt, you knew that I hated my life, but you made me make that stupid promise anyway! What did you expect me to do? Suddenly become happy? Sir, I'm not perfect. You can't expect things to suddenly get better, when inside, I'm really not ok! Instead of judging me, and getting upset, help me make things better! It's becoming so much, and I just can't handle it alone anymore, so please...I'm asking you to be there for me. Help me. Don't let me do anything stupid anymore...please sir" Alexander begged, crying as he spoke. Midway through his plea, he squeezed his eyes shut as his tears poured down. He held his head down, afraid of the man's reaction to his words. There was a moment of silence, and in that moment, Alexander silently prayed. He wanted to be forgiven. He didn't feel proud of anything he's done, and he wanted to be better. And he hoped Washington would be there to support him. There was a moment when Alexander almost believed he shouldn't have said anything. But he immediately disregarded that thought when Washington pulled Alexander into a warm embrace. 

"Son...I've been so worried about you" he said, holding Alexander tightly. It's true. Washington has always deeply cared for Alexander. He wanted Alexander to get better more than anything, but he didn't know how to make that happen. Still, it goes without saying that he will do his best to help Alexander in any way he can. 

"Sir, what am I going to do about Phillip?" Alexander asked tearfully. 

"Don't worry son, everything will be ok. Leave this to me" Washington said, ruffling Alexander's hair. 

______ 

**Authors note!**

**so this is probably a terrible time to mention this, but I felt like I haven't been very clear about certain facts, regarding Phillip. So I'm going to talk about them here!**

**first of all, Phillip is home schooled. Alexander let's him read whatever he wants while he's at work, and when he gets back home, Alexander gives him advanced tutoring. So he's getting the same advanced education as Theodosia, but since he started learning at a late age, he's a bit behind. But he's still doing pretty good, and he's learning more than a typical 9 year old would (and no, Alexander is not abusing his son, or pressuring him. He's just a really good teacher).**

**Also! Phillip in this story has never seen a drunk person before (or rather, someone so drunk that they're completely different). So for him, he probably thought Alexander was going crazy or something. When Alexander slapped him, he obviously didn't hit him that hard (because he was too drunk to hit hard), but it scared Phillip since he didn't think Alexander would ever hurt him. And he didn't understand the situation at all, so that adds to his fear.**

**Lastly! Love you! ^.^ (also, I really enjoy reading comments, so if any of you lovely readers would like to say something, please don't be afraid to leave a comment! It really makes me happy)**


	17. Chapter 17

Alexander never felt so guilty. His son was locked in his room, and wouldn't let him in. What did he do? What can he do to fix it?

"Alexander" Washington called. 

"Yes sir?" Alexander responded. 

"He wants you to go inside" he said. Alexander nodded and got up. He was stopped in his tracks when Washington put a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be ok, son" he assured. Alexander smile and went inside. 

Phillip was sitting on his bed, looking down as he kicked his feet. 

"Phillip...I'm so sorry. I know that some things are hard to understand, and I know that I shouldn't have done anything to hurt you. But please, Phillip, let me help you. I'm sorry. What happened before, it won't happen again" Alexander swore. Phillip didn't look up, bit he began to talk. 

"When you first took me in, you promised that you'd never hurt me. You saved me from the bullies, and you gave me a home, and you promised that you'd never hurt me. But...you've hurt me so much" he said. "When you tried to kill yourself, I didn't know why you did it, but I didn't want to lose you because I love you and I didn't want to lose another person I love. But then you did it again, and then you started to act weird. After our schooling time, you'd drink some juice, and then you'd get angry. You'd call people on your phone and start yelling, and you'd throw things, and yell at random mirrors...and it was so scary. I didn't know what was happening to you, but I wanted to help you, so I tried to make you happy again...but then you got mad at me and then..." Phillip began to tear up. "You said you wanted to die...and then you hit the mirror...and then you hit me..." he cried. Alexander teared up too. No wonder Phillip was scared. Alexander was a monster. But right now, his son needed someone to tell him that everything would be ok. Nothing will get better if Alexander keeps throwing a pity party. Not for him, and not for anyone. It'll all just keep getting worse. 

So Alexander decided to be strong. He hugged Phillip and rubbed his back in circles, allowing the boy to cry in Alexander's chest. The two sat like that, comforting for a long time, until Phillip fell asleep in Alexander's arms. 

______ 

Washington and Alexander sat in Alexander's room. Alexander was entrusting him, to support him while he fights off his depression. He had to get better, for Phillip's sake. And Washington promised to help. 

Alexander told Washington about everything. He told him about his childhood, about how he wrote his way to New York and how life basically treated him like an irrelevant person. He told him everything. And Washington was there to comfort Alexander whenever he cried during his story. 

They just sat, and talked, for the rest of the day. It felt nice to let go a bit, and talk about everything. 

"Sir, there's one more person I need to help" Alexander said. 

"Who would that be?" Washington asked, curious. 

"Mariah Reynolds" Alexander said, looking the man in the eyes. 

______ 

**I'm so sorry that this chapter was so short! And I'm sorry it sucked too. I've had some terrible writers block, and I didn't know what exactly to write for this specific part, but I wanted to get a chapter out as soon as possible. So, here ya go! Please don't forget to leave comments. I love reading comments! ^.^**


	18. Chapter 18

Peggy was never really popular. She was always a bubbly, sweet, unique girl, but no one really paid attention to her. It was always the "bad girls" who got the most attention, so she just hung out with her sisters or by herself. But she was never lonely. She liked how things were. Her sisters were her best friends, and she loved them with all her heart. But even they, had a little bit of rebelliousness in them.

Sometimes, just like the other rich folk, they'd go out to the common collages downtown, just to watch the students talk. But she never felt comfortable there. 

"Daddy said to be home by sundown..." she said. 

"Daddy doesn't need to know" Angelica responded. 

"Daddy said not to go downtown!" Peggy exclaimed, trying to get her sisters to come home. 

"Like I said, you're free to go" she said. Peggy didn't want to leave her sisters, so she went with them. And she actually had a good time. 

______ 

Eliza and Angelica have been trying to move past Peggy's death. But they couldn't bear the pain of knowing that she was sick, and they weren't there. She didn't deserve to die. She didn't deserve to be alone. She didn't deserve to be ignored. She didn't deserve it. 

They didn't know she was sick. But if they did, they would've at least tried to be with her. But the weren't, and now it's too late. 

______ 

Alexander was at the park with Phillip. He watched as his son ran around and played in the grass excitedly. He jumped when he felt someone sit next to him. He turned and saw Angelica, smiling sadly at him. "A-Angelica! Weren't you just out in London not too long ago? Suprise seeing you here!" He exclaimed, trying to make conversation. 

"Alexander, it's nice to see you" she said. "I happened to be in the area, I saw Phillip running around. I decided to say hello" she said. "He really is a sweet boy. No wonder why you always talk about him" she chuckled. Her eyes were cloudy, and Alexander knew well enough that under that fake happiness, she was in a lot of pain. 

"Where's Eliza? Did she stay behind?" He asked. "No, we came to New York together, but she wasn't feeling too well, so I came outside to pick up some things for her" she said. Alexander only now noticed the bags in her hands. 

"Angelica...I know that things have been rough for you lately...I don't know if I can help, but I've cared about you for a long time and I want to be there for you and Eliza" he said. 

"Oh...that's sweet of you" she said, her focus completely gone. What was she thinking about? 

"You know...Eliza still loves you" she randomly said. 

"I know she always cared about me, but Angelica it would never work out. I don't go out of my way for others like she does" Alexander said. "She'd be unhappy" 

"Alexander, I..." she began tearfully. She looked to Alexander, becoming lost in his eyes. 

"My sister loves you" she whispered, but she couldn't stop herself from slowly leaning close to him. "She wants..." she soon stopped talking when their lips met with one another. Angelica's perfectly applied red lipstick stained Alexander's bare lips. It was slow at first, but soon the kiss grew more and more passionate, until Angelica gasped and quickly parted. 

"I-I'm sorry!" She whispered, tears suddenly dripping down. She wiped them away quickly before standing. "What am I even doing!? This is wrong, I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" Alexander cut her off. 

"Angelica, I'm sorry. I know you cared about me too...I should've never done this to you. I should've never dated your sister, but I did anyway. But I won't hold this against you. I'm sorry for leading you on" he said. 

"Alexander...don't apologize to me" Angelica said, looking down. "You should apologize to my sister. I'm strong, I can handle the pain. She's young and fragile, she needs someone to be there for her. And I know something she doesn't...something that'll hurt her even more when she finds out" 

"What is it?" 

"Maria Reynolds" she stated. 

"You...how did you know about that!?" 

"Burr told me he was going to be her lawyer, and help her get a divorce" she explained. Alexander was the one who convinced her to go to court, so this shouldn't have been much of a shock. Nevertheless, Alexander felt dissapointment in himself for not telling Eliza about any of this. 

She loved him. He didn't love her back. They broke up. He moved on. She didn't. 

Alexander felt extremely guilty. 

"Angelica, can I come over for dinner?" He asked. 

"I'd like to have you" she said. 

______ 

Alexander and Phillip dressed nicely that evening. Not too fancy, but nice enough to show common decency. Alexander wore a plain dress shirt and jeans, while Phillip wore a t-shirt and dress pants. 

When they got to the sisters house, Alexander knocked and waited. Eliza opened the door, wearing a creamy white nightgown. Eliza was always high maintenance, and classy. The fact that she's in pajamas, but not asleep, shows how terrible she feels. 

"Hi!" Phillip waved. His beaming excitement seemed that lighten the mood, and Alexander smiled at his ex. 

"I came for a quick visit. I didn't know you were coming back to New York so soon, but I came to say hello. I brought you some fruit, I know how much you like those" Alexander said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. 

"Oh, how rude of me! I didn't know you'd be coming over! If I did, I wouldn't be dressed like this! Please come in, I'll be up in my room getting changed" she said, allowing Alexander and Phillip into the house before scurrying away. Angelica came to greet them, however she was wearing a white sundress unlike Eliza. The three chatted a bit before Eliza came back, wearing a blue t-shirt and a black skirt. 

"I've missed you Alexander, I wish you'd call more" Eliza said jokingly, before looking at Phillip. "Oh my, how you've grown! You got so much taller since the last time I saw you" she said in her famous, "mom voice". Phillip looked at her and smiled proudly at the compliment. 

"So Alexander, how are you?" 

______ 

**(I'm so sorry for the long wait! I had no idea what to do for this story and then I ended up getting distracted writing another story! But I'm back! I'm just not going to be as frequent because I don't have a lot of ideas anymore)**


End file.
